This post doesn’t have a lot to do with the title. Eventually, I will write about the recent loss (death) of my big brother, John. I may not grieve as others do, but usually it gets expressed somehow through creativity, either the lack of it, the complete stoppage of it, or the manic pouring out of it. Writing is one of those expressions. If you think that what I do is ‘unhealthy’, then I suggest that you forego these practices when you are grieving. I haven’t judged the grief of others and I expect that the people who care about me will do the same for me. I’m sorry if there is any aspect at all of my grief that is off-putting or frustrating for you. I can only tell you that your discomfort with me or what I do, in no way equals the discomfort that I am experiencing presently. Maybe I should write about things in a paper journal where it doesn’t make anyone embarrassed or uncomfortable. Maybe I could burn the words or hide them at least.
I went to a restorative Yoga class last night. I can’t believe what an hour was spent with myself, my beautiful daughter practicing next to me on her mat. But once I got out and into the parking lot, I couldn’t stop crying. I think that all we can hope for in grief is for some release now and again…some relief.
Today, I feel angry.
Today, I went to the studio. I set up a comfortable place for Max. I prepared my birch panels. The Gesso will cure for 24 hours. I messed around with some other stuff out there. I sorted through my music. I nested.
(just a sec…Max barking! door bell ringing! thump thump up the stairs)
Okay…so, how can I be angry? This just happened!
Does my sister know me? Mama bird?? Is that not the sweetest mug that you’ll ever see? I am consumed with birds! Thank you, Valerie Jean! Thank you, Jean Pierre, Louis and Eliane! I love you. Any of my readers consumed by grief, please read the brilliant book by Kyo Maclear, Birds, Art, Life.
And, yes, about thirty minutes have passed since I wrote the words, “Today, I feel angry.” And…again, I cried my face off. How can I feel sad with so much love surrounding me? How can I get angry? It’s just the way it is and I accept it.
From the outset of this post, I wanted to write about parking. It seems just one of those frustrating things that comes up now and then. Over the past couple of years, I’ve had many hours spent at various medical buildings throughout the City of Calgary and over a very long period of time. I’ll never forget the time that I couldn’t find parking at the Foothills Hospital on one visit, not in Lot 3, anyway. I had an appointment. I was already late when I decided to abandon my drive around and around and around practice and drove to the complete north end of the building. To negotiate my way back to the Special Services building, I passed many couples where one partner was using a walker, or a person was in a wheel chair being pushed by a loved one, and even passed an obviously distressed person, a person feeling just like I was. And on that day, I was in no position that I could assist or help and I flew by these people, ending up 45 minutes late for an appointment I felt I desperately needed at the time.
There are families who arrive at hospital late at night in order to meet up with a loved one who has arrived by ambulance. There are Chemotherapy, Dialysis and other out patients who must endure repetitive and taxing appointments in various buildings around our city. There are young fathers, racing to be with their partner for the birth of a child. There are the caregivers and loved ones of people who have been, gratefully/desperately/ horribly sadly, admitted into Hospice care.
I’m writing this post while I’m angry because I think a discussion needs to be opened up about paid parking in some of these situations. Most incredibly current for me is the fact that I was issued a 65.00 parking ticket by Indigo, a private agency, likely hired by Intercare Chinook Care Centre in order to provide a ‘fair’ public parking solution for the families of residents and for the hard working employees.
I missed the ten day window for paying this ticket, given that I was planning a funeral and dealing with other matters and so just the night before last, I paid my ticket with the penalty, a total of 85.00.
Apart from the Hospice parking, there is an option to walk blocks away to street parking, that is also monitored for its two hour limit. Anyone opting to use this street parking, would have to return to their location every two hours in order to move their car.
So, it was Holy Saturday afternoon, April the 20th. I put my regular six dollars in for three hours of parking. That parking would take me to 12:56 in the afternoon. When I returned to my car at 2:28, my violation notice was waiting for me, tucked under my windshield wiper. There were four other cars in the lot. I stood in the parking lot and wept. I was thinking to myself, “It’s Holy Week…it’s Easter weekend. Everyone is home with their families today. I am here with my nephew and my dying brother.” It was at 3:00 am on April 21, that my brother died.
I’ve archived here, ‘some’ of the parking receipts spewed out from the lot machine over the time that my brother suffered. Is it a bit of a thorn in my side? YES! Do I have suggestions or solutions? No! But, I truly believe that this is a matter that must be discussed for solutions.
I’ve turned my seething frothing anger about losing my brother toward this matter. It seems ‘small’ of me. Oh well. The efforts made by the Chinook Hospice staff and management on behalf of our family was of the highest caliber. If ever I have opportunity to evaluate the program and their treatment, I will assign the venue the highest accolades. However, if given the opportunity to discuss parking, I will vehemently respond with the fact that there is a need for analysis and change.
At a time like this, it just makes me wonder what has happened with our world/society that we have perhaps lost compassion along with progress and maybe we traded in kindness for economic growth.